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  1. #1
    Enthusiast Mitchewawa's Avatar

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    'Australia's Little Satan'

    I can live with the trees with the poison hair (every other tree forms a symbiotic relationship with animals, using them to spread seeds. There is no excuse for this tree, it is simply a jerk). I can live with the poison-torpedo shooting seashells. I forgave the jellyfish. I can look past the snakes. I can forgive the fact that both of our national animals routinely maul tourists who think they're cute, rather than malevolent and twitchy sacks of hate equipped with sonic-ram-legs. I can forgive the Blue Ringed Octopus. I can forgive the fact that Spore: Australia Edition would be MA 15+. But I cannot forgive the Sydney Funnel Web. Not in a million years will there ever be an excuse for the Sydney Funnel Web.

    This is #1 on 'shit you don't want to bite you'. Period. If you get bitten by a snake, you have over 4 hours until the damage becomes chronic and sometimes up to 12 before you keel over dead (it's the heat and long distances to hospitals that make australia so nasty with snakes, that and the fact that our snakes have venom you could clean grease stains with). Not so with the SFW, the record for surviving this Eight-Legged-Armaggedon is an Hour and sixteen minutes. The record. That was a healthy, very healthy man, fully hydrated and who knew how to treat the wound and stem the flow of poison and had god on his side (fickle ass). You, unprepared and unaware, will last 40 minutes, maximum. Think about how long that is, that's not a long time. That's not counting the fact that your fate is sealed after about 25 minutes, mind you, and you'd better hope the ambulance reaches you in time.

    Let me give you a rundown of what a whack from this thing will do to you:

    1) Agonising Pain. Not 'ow, put an ice-block on that' agony, but roll on the floor and beg for death agony. Neurotoxin is an utter bitch and will rape your nerve endings and make you see Satan.
    2) Drooling. Not spit, not the pre-vomit wet-mouthness. After only 5 minutes you will drool so much and so uncontrollably you can barely breath or speak, making calling for help really hard. Did we mention agony more extreme than anything you have ever felt?
    3) After this point, the fun stuff starts. You will cry, pee and crap blood, you will drool and vomit blood and the agony that once made you want to cut off your bitten limb has now spread to your entire body and is making every nerve scream for death.

    And this little prick of an animal will bite you multiple times, if he can get you, because he feeds on your tears.

    You die at this point. Ambulance drivers don't rush for snake bites, save to spare you prolonged pain before you get the cure. They will run red lights, scrape up against other cars and mount the sidewalk to get a funnelweb victim to the hospital, because after they've got there the guy is usually crying blood already.

    If it bites your hand and you survive, you will lose fingers, if it bites your foot be prepared to lose it, if it bites your face you're about to become one ugly fucker. Most of Australia's wildlife gets exaggerated in its lethality (at least I thought it did), even though everything here bar the sheep spit poison (the trees, damnit! Poison Trees!), but not the funnelweb.

    [center:2kkisg16]
    I'm not trying to look bigger. I'm preventing your escape.[/center:2kkisg16]

    Those god damn fangs can drive through your toenails. I wouldn't mind the evil bastards if they lived out in the western wastes like all the rest of our anti-christ animals, but this is the, by name: Sydney Funnel Web. How is this fair? It's like having the 'Suburban Sewer Grizzly', and it weilds a chainsaw. For god's sake, it's not even a restrained arachnid bastard, it's known for being an agressive little fuck. The males, the ones with venom 10 times more potent than the females (that's right, 10 times) are designed to wander looking for females, who hide in (duh) funnel webs. Let me spell that out: It's an agressive, sadistic, overly toxic hairy asshole and it's made to wander all over sydney crawling into warm and enclosed spaces like your shoes and gloves and houses, and it can bite through your toenail when you have the audacity to wake it up in the morning. It's vexom has Hemotoxic, Neurotoxic and Necrotic effects. Necrotic means it eats away at your flesh.

    This is what gets me. Not that it's evil, not that it's deadly, not that i'd rather burn to death while drowning rather than die of this thing, but that it has evolved and adapted in a short period of time to make Sydney (and you thought the cities were safe...) it's stomping ground. It's not natural, it's vindictive. It's proof of a malevolent God and I'll dare any person to be bitten by this sucker and not beg for divine intervention.
    I didn't write this, a person called Ultrajoe did. I just thought it would be an interesting topic.
    [center:eqrkbw79][/center:eqrkbw79]

  2. #2
    Enthusiast Red Shore's Avatar
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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    lol
    They're horrible.
    I live about 7 hours north away from Sydney (halfway to brisbane) And we have these. They arnt as poisoness but they hurt sooo bad.

    Another reason i will never move to Syndey.


  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast DeanEtc's Avatar


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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    Woaahhh... That sounds downright terrible D: Especially the part where you piss blood and all. Glad I don't live in Sydney.

  4. #4
    Fanatic Enthusiast


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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    At least it's exciting. Sydney can get boring from time to time.

  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Lawn Feed's Avatar

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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    I made a diagram that sums up this article



    (the arrow represents being bitten)
    [center:1hzoraxf][/center:1hzoraxf]

  6. #6
    Veteran Enthusiast

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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    Lol, ow. Fuck spiders. D: I feel bad for Australians now. I still will move there someday.

    > Just wears shoes then...
    [center:3jvto3gf]Merry Thread - mas![/center:3jvto3gf]
    [center:3jvto3gf][/center:3jvto3gf]
    [center:3jvto3gf]Lmao, Knock Out![/center:3jvto3gf]

  7. #7
    Fanatic Enthusiast Stef's Avatar

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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    fucking spiders D:
    Like a rolling stone

  8. #8
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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    It shoving it's fangs into your toenail gives me the worst mare.

  9. #9
    Enthusiast Mitchewawa's Avatar

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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    Quote Originally Posted by .:BLade:.
    Lol, ow. Fuck spiders. D: I feel bad for Australians now. I still will move there someday.

    > Just wears shoes then...
    They like to hide in shoes and their fangs can go through your toenail.
    [center:eqrkbw79][/center:eqrkbw79]

  10. #10
    Veteran Enthusiast Android's Avatar

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    Re: 'Australia's Little Satan'

    *sees spider* *stares in fear* *steps* *examines guts* *laughs*
    [center:35dbpjta]Stop looking at my sig do something useful.[/center:35dbpjta]


 
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